Self-injury and Depression, Continued
Unfortunately, it didn't last long. One day at school I sort of blacked out and when I woke up I had scratched the side of my hand with a pin I had on my backpack, and a few people had seen me do it. It scared me that I wasn't even aware that I was doing it. I talked to my parents and my therapist and we decided that it might be best if I went to a private mental health facility called Charter. I was an inpatient there for a week. Locked doors and all. It gave me a chance to stop and think and time to talk about how I was feeling. After my inpatient treatment ended I went outpatient in a day program for another week or so.
When I got out, I had to face going back to school, which was hard. I felt like everyone was talking about me, and eventually rumors got back to me. I decided to set the record straight and did one of the hardest things I have ever done. I got up in front of a room of 40 or so classmates and explained where I had been for the past two weeks, and what had happened to me. The rumors stopped after that.
Things were better for a while, though I still had some problems and was still very depressed. When I was 18 or 19 I had some problems with a relationship I was in and ended up taking an overdose. Once again I went back to a hospital. This time I was an outpatient, but I went to day therapy all day for about a month. Soon after I left the outpatient program I got engaged and moved to Florida.
My depression continued after I moved, though it steadily began to get better. I started cutting less and less, now it's been 2 years since I have hurt myself. I think in a lot of ways I've just grown up. I talk about my feelings now instead of keeping them bottled up inside, and I don't let myself get caught up in my depression anymore. I still feel it, and I still feel the urge to hurt myself from time to time, but I've learned to stop and think about the consequences of my actions, and why I feel the way I do. It's been hard, but I really don't regret what's in my past. It has made me who I am today. I'm content with myself now, and I've learned to accept who I am.
Living with depression is never easy, and self-injury makes things even more difficult. But you can get past it. It takes a lot of work and a lot of introspection, but it is possible to be happy. If you or someone you know self-injures, there are many places to go to for help. Check out my links page for some helpful web resources, and feel free to contact me with any questions, I'll do my best to help.
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